Day Fourteen

I am completely freakin’ mortified!! The last time I saw the pdoc (Thursday morning I think) I let him read all of my journal. No, not the few entries on this blog. That wouldn’t have been (much of) a problem. My journal is a lot different. It’s a place where I have been experimenting with the different states of beings. I’ve invited them to write whatever they want actually, according to the “internal communication” stuff that the staff here have given me to read. Well, to cut a long story a little shorter, some of the states of being had accepted the invitation and wrote and drew shit in the journal. I had forgotten that I had written a page full of words inviting them to do so. I knew that there was some weird shit happening in the journal, so much so that I don’t feel like it is my safe, little journal any more. What I had forgotten, when I went to read the journal last night, is my invitation. That’s all I got up to in my rereading before I had to throw it across the room. I feel completely exposed. I feel highly silly and embarrassed. I hate to think what else I allowed the pdoc to read in that little journal. Freakin’ hell! Where is all this shit leading?

To make matters worse, the husband finally got a hold of me on the telephone last night. Being completely freaked out already (actually, now writing this I can’t completely recall what happened first in this little story, but I guess we will go with this version), I was feeling totally changeable and off the planet when speaking to the husband. I felt like an actual child was talking instead of me. One little comment he made during the phone call was enough to set me even further off. He said that I sounded different. He asked if they had me drugged up? Freakin’ hell again! The truth is that I wasn’t completely present during the phone call. The child did have control of the body at that stage.

Consequently I feel completely sick. I feel so completely anxious. I can’t described what is happening to myself, let alone what is happening to the husband. By past behaviour I know he will not believe it. Geez, I’m finding all the shit hard enough to believe myself and I am the one living through it. This sort of crap happens to other people, not me.

Thankfully, after a good while, I was able to leave my little room here and seek out a nurse. Interesting sensations happened within the body during the conversation with her … like, really interesting sensations, but she was good about it all. Even got some extra night time drugs too.  lol

Thank gawd yesterday’s over. Today I’ve tried to make things as “normal” as they can possible be. Pdoc is apparently coming tomorrow though, so we shall see.