Day Fourteen

I am completely freakin’ mortified!! The last time I saw the pdoc (Thursday morning I think) I let him read all of my journal. No, not the few entries on this blog. That wouldn’t have been (much of) a problem. My journal is a lot different. It’s a place where I have been experimenting with the different states of beings. I’ve invited them to write whatever they want actually, according to the “internal communication” stuff that the staff here have given me to read. Well, to cut a long story a little shorter, some of the states of being had accepted the invitation and wrote and drew shit in the journal. I had forgotten that I had written a page full of words inviting them to do so. I knew that there was some weird shit happening in the journal, so much so that I don’t feel like it is my safe, little journal any more. What I had forgotten, when I went to read the journal last night, is my invitation. That’s all I got up to in my rereading before I had to throw it across the room. I feel completely exposed. I feel highly silly and embarrassed. I hate to think what else I allowed the pdoc to read in that little journal. Freakin’ hell! Where is all this shit leading?

To make matters worse, the husband finally got a hold of me on the telephone last night. Being completely freaked out already (actually, now writing this I can’t completely recall what happened first in this little story, but I guess we will go with this version), I was feeling totally changeable and off the planet when speaking to the husband. I felt like an actual child was talking instead of me. One little comment he made during the phone call was enough to set me even further off. He said that I sounded different. He asked if they had me drugged up? Freakin’ hell again! The truth is that I wasn’t completely present during the phone call. The child did have control of the body at that stage.

Consequently I feel completely sick. I feel so completely anxious. I can’t described what is happening to myself, let alone what is happening to the husband. By past behaviour I know he will not believe it. Geez, I’m finding all the shit hard enough to believe myself and I am the one living through it. This sort of crap happens to other people, not me.

Thankfully, after a good while, I was able to leave my little room here and seek out a nurse. Interesting sensations happened within the body during the conversation with her … like, really interesting sensations, but she was good about it all. Even got some extra night time drugs too.  lol

Thank gawd yesterday’s over. Today I’ve tried to make things as “normal” as they can possible be. Pdoc is apparently coming tomorrow though, so we shall see.

Day Eight

They are really pushing this DID shit, the pdoc and the nurses. I don’t know why. Is it because they think I have it or is it because they are trying to work out if I have it or not. Whatever the reason, it is doing my head in.

Ok, I have names for different states of beings. There have even been the odd occasion where one of the states of being has seemingly taken over. The Body is always present though. They tell me this is co-consciousness. Oooh, a new term to have learnt. Yay! (OMG, just how much sarcasm is going to be written in the blog??) I don’t lose time though, which is either good or bad depending on your frame of reference I guess. Good -> thankfully that is one symptom that I don’t have. Bad -> I’d like a freakin’ break from all this.

I don’t know what these states of being are though. Are they fully fledged alters that are only coming into the Body’s awareness. If that is the case, where they hell have they been for all this time? If they are not fully fledged alters (which is what the I that is present at the moment believes) then what the hell is going on?

Hmmph! It boggles the mind, doesn’t it. Scared much? You better freakin’ believe it!!

Day Seven

OMFG, I feel so freakin’ tired! I feel like I could curl up in bed and sleep for a week. As it is, I slipped away from group about half way through this morning and curled up in bed instead.

This week, the morning groups have completely broken my brain. I feel completely out of it while in group and have had to retire to my bedroom a couple of times just to sleep off the feelings of being so freakin’ changeable. Oh the joy! Oh the fun! It completely freakin’ sucks.

I’m not entirely certain what it is that causes the weirdness, although more than likely it is the having to be around others. I guess, for the most part, when I only have to deal with myself and am left to my own devices in a familiar environment, the “changiness” does not happen. Take me away from the personal space (and, more significantly, my MMO … lol) and I turn into the confused little mess that the body is now.

It’s tiring having to cope with the weirdness. It’s tiring having to cope with the brain making up new names for the different, umm, states of being. I think I discovered AutoPilot this morning. There’s another one. /sarcasm Woot! /sarcasm. The whole illness thing at the moment is just downright exhausting.

This weirdness, or not knowing which state/s of being is around at any given time is not just related to groups either. It is constant and, if I want to be truthful with myself, has been around since I first entered the hospital up north for this set of admissions. At a basic, logical level I suppose all this weirdness etc is just forms of dissociation. On a deeper level though, I need to know what that f*ck is going on and why. When I am not AutoPilot it’s confusing, frustrating, sometimes scary and, of course, completely exhausting.

Day Two

Day two and weird is aplenty. I feel very “changeable” although I do not know what that really means. The “I” is gone, replaced by something that I am not really certain about.

I’ve been making up names over the past 4 weeks in hospital. I have made up names before that too so that is just par for the course really I guess. Melissa, No-one, Alkina are the girls. Andrew, John or Cliff is the man. I am not sure which name he goes by. The crux of the situation, I guess, is I don’t know who or what they are. Are they actual “theys”, or are they the names that a brain makes up when it has been taken away from the one thing that keeps it semi whole? It’s all very confusing, all very strange and I wonder what is real and what is not real.

The defences are up again when seeing the pdoc. I don’t really know how to get rid of them. They are involuntary. They are manifested by different parts of the whole, or maybe just one part. I am not really sure. When I refer to parts here, am I referring to the entities? I’m not sure. I don’t want to sound DID here because that is not what is going on. I don’t know what is going on really, and that is kinda the crappy part of all this I guess.

And, what is with this left-handed shit. What is with the physical reaction shit? Just two more mysteries in amongst a whole lot of mystery I guess.

Day One

Time to blog again. I want to document for myself my stay in TDU. I’m back again. It’s only been six months between admissions this time.

Anyway, here goes …

I don’t know who I am. The title given to this body at birth does not fit any more. I do not have a name to fit into; not at the moment anyway. I have thought of names. I have taken on a few of the names in some respect, but that only happens for a short period of time and I become the nameless person who is sitting in front of the computer at present.